DAY THREE: Thought-Provoking Reactions...

Well well well, today was certainly interesting.

I woke up to this text from my good buddy, Matt:

Pretty much summed up the bulk of my waking hours.

And throughout the day, I kept receiving various texts from either people saying that they, or their friends who know me, are sure that I'm not gonna make it. "She's a girl who gets hers," etc, and "she's probably going to cheat / won't last." Even my closest friends, who were super supportive at first, started voicing their doubts. Damn, people! IT'S THE THIRD DAY.

Okay, okay. I get that based on my infamous writing, my Facebook statuses, my actions, my lack of boyfriends but steady flow of doting booty calls over the past several years, that yes, I would have justly earned some doubt when it comes to abstaining from getting some. I've established a particular image for myself, yes. And I'll admit, those brief periods when I've gone without, be it a week, two weeks, or even (gasp!) a month, I've been known to publicly bitch about how much I'm "dyyyying." That I've legit missed, and daydreamed, about having a dick in my mouth. So, I understand I may very well deserve all the criticism and doubt I've been receiving over this polar-opposite embarkment.

But here's the thing I'm realizing, even if all the doubters haven't: this isn't about sex, or weenies.

This isn't about men.

Those silly panty-twisters merely pushed me to this breaking point. Ultimately, this is about me. I'm the reason why I'm here. It just happened to happen that the role men were playing in my life helped me to realize something needs to change.

So, in case it wasn't clear, I'm a sexual being. I've loved men and desired them since pretty much the womb. In that way, they've had a pretty big part in my life. But I don't think I realized until I started this project, just how much I've been drowning the past few years. I've been neglecting myself, who I really am, and what I truly want, because I had such dude-tunnel-vision. I've experienced some good connections, some great sex, and added some hilariously amazing stories to my collection. I got as much as one could get out of oat-sowing.

But anytime I attempted to establish something real, something more than just happy-fun-good-time, a small part of me would die, because it never worked out.

My happiest days started to be because I posted a new blog story and the resulting flurry of laughs and positive feedback was so rewarding. Or the high I'd get after a successful recording session, or reading. Even so, I wasn't doing enough to pursue my own pursuits, and this was leaving an empty hole in my life that I now admit I had been filling with men. Instead of actively focusing on my work and craft, my energies would instead, and always, turn to men. I definitely had no real idea the toll this constant craving for male attention was taking on me, because I became so lost in thinking they were what I really wanted. I was so sure they were the root and source of my happiness. Being boy-crazy and sexual is a part of who I am, absolutely, but I was letting it consume me far more than I realized. I had always just brushed it off as being part of my personality. But these past few days, being on this heightened-self-awareness, I'm realizing... I may not want men at all. No, I'm not a lesbian.

I'm realizing I actually have no fucking idea what I truly want.

I might like doin' it, but...so what? Why have I placed men in this position where I base all my happiness and sense of fulfillment on them?

I gave that some thought. Could it stem from my long, long, LONG awkward-phase where I was a super ugly human being from the ages of 9-19, and was rejected by nearly every boy I wanted? Was it because I was forced to watch as all the gorgeous girls were courted, because they were the ones, and not me, that the boys wholly desired? Is it because I'm a middle child and never felt truly accepted or wanted as a little kid, by my own family? If those are really the reasons, I give every single one of you permission to slap me in the fucking face and tell me to get over it because... seriously? There is something to be said for the hell that is junior high, and never feeling wanted as a kid, by anyone. But I'm almost 30...I'd hope I was past all that, jeez.

I think, yes, a small part of current-me may still seek acceptance from men because of those bottled-up feelings from my youth that I never got the chance to unleash until I was normal-looking. But if I'm going to be honest, I don't know the answer to why I gave men the role I gave them. I'm still confused and unsure as to what I really want, and why I have been placing men in the void where self-fulfillment should go. Maybe it was the perfect storm, combining:

insecurities + a crazy sex drive x fear of pursuing her dreams = Elena.

Maybe it was only natural for me to sub in the boys, and use them as pinch-hitters for the self-validation that I was denying myself by not going out there and living - for me. In any case, this is opening my eyes to what's really important. It's smacking me in the brain as to what my priorities should be. It's beginning to show me the necessity of doing things that will make me truly happy, that will help me be the best version of myself, on my own. And above all, I'm understanding what it really means to be completely honest with myself about who I am and what I want.