So, right now, the most recent guy I seriously dated is back home with his family for the holidays. Oh, and his brand-new girlfriend went with him. He and I ended things about four months ago. Considering how often he had always vocalized to me that he neither does commitment, nor does he EVER bring girls home to meet his parents, I don't know how I feel. You know, because he's only known this chick since September. A few months back, this kinda thing would've slain me as if we had broken up all over again. But today, the floor stayed solid beneath my feet. The wind didn't get knocked out of me. It doesn't make me feel lost, or like I'm looking up at them rising above me out of a hole while I'm still stuck on the bottom. I'm sure part of it is that I've become invested in my own journey. My path was not with him, and I've accepted that. I don't want him anymore, and I know she's a better fit for him. Knowing I wasn't as good a match for him isn't make me tear myself to pieces. But...it did get me thinking. Not "why didn't he take MEEE home to meet his parents? What was wrong with me?" And so on. Where I normally would've had a personal party to destroy myself, mentally rack up all my flaws and doubts to answer it, I'm not doing that now. So this 100 Day thing has had it's immediate effects, that's for sure. It's amazing how becoming brutally honest with yourself about yourself strengthens you, as painful as it may be. No, what I started wondering was how maybe the thing that's bothered me about guys may be the same thing that bothers them about me. Allow me to explain...
I used to think all the time how it's impossible to find one guy who combines the ability to fulfill both my sexual needs, and my emotional needs. It's always been one or the other- guys who have been assholes / commitment phobes, but get it done in the boudoir. Or, guys who are sweet and whatever, but...that's it. Yesterday got me thinking... wait... am I like that, to them? Am I the girl version of the asshole/commitment phobe guy? The one who fulfills only the sexual needs? Given how I've acted over the years, I can totally see it. I would love and leave, avoid letting guys in, use them til I was bored of it. I know now why I did that, but I never really thought about how it made them perceive me. If it made them see me as a sexual girl only, one they'd never take home to their parents, I would stupidly not understand it and be hurt. But I didn't realize that they couldn't see inside my brain. I may have been fully aware of everything that I am, beyond the sexual side, but I forgot they never saw that because I kept it all hidden away. I have never switched the perspective before, never looked at myself through any of these guys' eyes. I can be sure that's because it would be way too painful for me- I was a complete dick to almost all of them, and it's hard to own up to mistreating others like that and look at it dead-on. But also because I was afraid to look at myself in how I was presenting myself. That kind of bird's eye view could be embarrassing, or force me to see my behavior and maybe not like it, not like myself even more than I already didn't. I never liked thinking about my prior behaviors; I liked living in the moment and doing whatever it was I wanted to do, whatever it was that tickled my fancy at the time. If I did look back on it, it was to make fun of it, or find the humor in it, and tell / write the funny stories to amuse others, and myself. I realize it was a defense mechanism, and a way to avoid cold, hard truths about me and my actions. I don't regret things or people I did, and I still want to be a free spirit and find the funny side to things. But I always claimed to be able to compartmentalize, to separate sex from emotions, that what people thought of me didn't matter, that I was hilarious and wild. I'm not saying all of that was a farce, a lie, but I do think it was additionally masking a sad, scared and lonely person underneath it. I'd like to still do what I want, be all those things, but only if I can also be a healed and true version of that girl I hid away for so long. If I can't be both, well, it's clear what will have to be sacrificed. But I don't think it will come to that.
Part of this journey is to fully own and accept everything I am, at any given moment, past or present. It's probably why I was able to move past my day 13 slip-up without completely falling apart. I wasn't afraid to look it full in the face and understand it. In fact, I wanted to understand it. It's easy to go through life living on the surface- I did it for years and HELLS YES it was fun and awesome and I have endless great stories from it. But now I'm feeling I'm still doing me, except my legs are extending through the water and the experience is touching the ocean floor, living through these things on a much deeper level. I'm not just dancing across the crest, I'm fully stretching out to feel the bottom as I go along. This could be the beginning of the fulfillment I always craved from life. It's pretty awesome to know I can provide it for myself, from myself. That it's not tied into some man, or dependent on someone else. I'm starting to ask myself questions that are about me, but also about the world around me and about existence and life on a grander scale. I feel my energy buzzing and glowing in a way that I never have- I feel myself coming into myself and expanding outwards from there, if that makes sense. I feel for the first time I have something positive to give to the world. And it gives me hope that I'll soon be ready to receive all that life has to offer me, in a way I never thought I could or let myself do before. I kinda like how this is happening on a day when so much love has been radiating out of people spending time with their families and loved ones, celebrating and enjoying. I feel myself connected with that all, rather than separated and alone. So happy holidays everyone, even to that silly ex-boyfriend with his new girlfriend, down in Georgia. Eat, drink, party your asses off, and love your life! It's pretty damn beautiful out there.
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