DAY SEVEN: Damn You, Beyoncé!

This project is funny sometimes. There are moments when I am overwhelmed because there's so much to say, and yet certain instances when I feel like I've got nothin'. Tonight I was in my room, sitting at my computer. I had finally given in to the media insanity and was watching a slew of the videos from the new "Beyoncé" album. (By the way, I'm amused at how autocorrect puts in the accent on her name, but doesn't put it on "a la".) Anyway, I was watching the "XO" video and 20 seconds in, I found myself sobbing. Are you kidding? From a pop music video? What the hell is this? Is this my Manon "Notre Petite Table" moment? Who am I?? Sigh. Hopefully I'm not the only one out there who's had a Beyoncé music video drive them to weeping hysterics. I suppose I could chalk up this particular choking up to my hormones. I already blame my period for my moods, regardless of the day of the month. It could be pre-pre-period, just pre, during, after, or so far after it's pre-pre-period again, and I will claim it to be the reason I am crying, eating my weight in bar food, or angry at everyone for everything. But damn. This Beyonce had me losing my emotional shit. So what else could be making me such a mess? Well, the chords in the beat were heart string-tugging, and the visuals had a nostalgic quality thanks to the Coney Island location, so maybe that was what got to me. But as I had been listening to the words with the music and the scenes, it all simultaneously struck a chord within me because I found myself wanting...that. That visual compilation of happiness, that glow from living life, and feeling loved. Seeing her face, her expressions, knowing that she has love and is loved and experiences love on an incredible level, everyday. And not just her, but the world. The video illustrated love in a way that cut through to the core, somehow. It was happy but at the same time it was breaking me down. I wasn't jealous, I didn't want to be her. But I was left feeling empty and hollow from craving that sort of connection. I was so confused, not just because I had cried (really though), but because I don't know why I want "that." If I were to be really honest with myself, why do I even think that I want love? It's not like I've ever had an incredibly positive experience with it. And when I finally have gotten it, it has this tendency of breaking my heart. So...what the hell?! Why do we seek it? Why do we chase it? Why do we feel empty without it? Why does it become something that is as part of our existence as breathing? Whether we like to admit it, love, in some way or another, is something that consumes our brain at least once a day, every day of our lives. Love within our families, love we share with friends, yes. But I think what has more prominence in our lives is struggle that is relationship-love. Whether we're single and seeking it, or in a relationship and thriving from/working on it, or heartbroken and healing from it: it's always there.

I never took time to think why it's there, nor why I've always yearned to have it in my life. I was not raised with the belief or the pressure that I need to get married and have kids. My parents always stressed the idea to do what will make me happy, whatever that may be. I was always encouraged to be me, and be the best version of myself; to take my talents and my strengths and cultivate them, help them thrive. My house may never have been overflowing with physical affection, or "I love you", but in terms of support and encouragement, that was on endless supply. So as a child I never envisioned myself married, let alone with a boyfriend. In fact, I saw my future self living in a beautiful Manhattan penthouse, single but extremely successful. I imagined I'd be surrounded by friends and family, but there was never a man, nor any semblance of a relationship or marriage, in that picture. I never associated a man with being happy or fulfilled. So I don't know why, for my whole life, I kept craving and loving the idea of being with men. Maybe it was because for so long, they didn't seem to want me and all I wanted was to finally know what it was like to experience them. To have them kiss me, to walk into a room and see their face light up. Stupid shit like that. But deep down, I never saw it really happening. Even those few times I had a boyfriend, I was never fully living in the moment or truly "there". I would be stuck in my own head, unable to let myself fall into something. I attributed that inability to wholly connect with a person to a lack of chemistry, being too young, or personal insecurities. But now I often wonder, maybe I'm just not destined to have love- in that way. Maybe I use humor as a guard and an excuse to hide the pain of knowing that I will never have love with a man in the form I've so inexplicably desired. Maybe my little kid self was way ahead of her time. Maybe all these failed relationships, my sexual appetite, my endless stream of hookups, was all subconscious sabotage of my efforts to have something real with someone, because deep down I know it's not in the cards for me.

But maybe it's just been leading me to a different place than I thought I needed and wanted to be at. I look back on the few times I did have a wonderful connection with a man, the less-than-a-handful of times I was able to let my guard down and be in the moment, be myself. And those were good times. But that happiness was always extremely short-lived. It was never nearly as powerful, or etched as indelibly into me as, say, a breakthrough in my vocal pursuits, or an excellent performance of my written work. I try to remember that, that my happiest moments have been from the ones where I've become a better version of myself and achieved success through my work and my talents. But it's funny. When I'm happy with a guy, I'm not entirely happy. If I'm not simultaneously going after personal goals and working on my own thang, I'll still feel like something is missing. And it's the same with my personal ambitions. I can be doing well, masterin' shit, etc, but if I'm not at least having awesome sex, I'll still feel like something is missing. So can I be fully happy, without having both? I think I could be, if it was just me doing my ambition thing and not having a guy. But I don't think I could ever be happy with just a guy, and no personal success.

I'm not sure what this all boils down to. What I've been doing is just that- working on my goals, and having guys on the side. So in theory, that should be the answer, right? I was doing me, and I was being done. But for some reason, it didn't work. The guy part of it wore me out- emotionally, not physically (haha...) Perhaps I got too caught up and worried about how the guys felt about me, let my insecurities get too involved. I was never sure if the guy I was with really liked me. I got so worried about if I would ever find something meaningful, and whether or not I really wanted something meaningful. Basically, I got swept up in my own head-game bullshit. Maybe that was enough of a distraction to negate anything positive my work could have given me. So I suppose cutting guys out really is the right thing to do, for now. I don't want to feel sad when I think about men, I don't want to feel like part of life is missing in my own life, and I certainly don't want to keep crying to Beyoncé videos. So while this may not be the answer, focusing on my work and this soul-searching thing is feeling more and more like at the very least, it will lead me to it. It's like a daily therapy session, with Dr. Elena (ooh that's kinda sexy, amirite?!), every damn day. And it's hard as hell. I don't think I have ever been this honest with myself before, not even with online quizzes. Especially not with online quizzes. It's painful to be this honest, but oddly enough it feels kind of amazing at the same time. I'd normally make a dick joke here, but I'll end it on a high note instead. Soooo, til next time. You stay classy, New York. Or actually, don't; y'all have to make up for me being so well-behaved.