Well hot damn. YOU GUYS. Today turned out to be a pretty incredible day, from the moment I opened my eyes this morning. And it's all due to the dream I had last night.
The bulk of it is fairly hazy, but I do know there was a bunch of natural disaster type stuff happening. Think crazy winds, sheets of rain, flooding, general chaos. There were a lot of people around, and those closest to me in location were my family members. I saw a bit into the distance that there was this tiny little girl, standing all by herself, alone and struggling. She was wearing a baby-pink winter parka with the hood up, with her back to me, hands grasping on the fence in front of her as if she wanted out. I went over to her, took her hand, picked her up, held her and hugged her. I told her she's not alone, she's beautiful, she's loved, and that everything is going to be okay. I kept hugging her and comforting her. I said that even when it feels like no one else is there for her or loves her, I will be, and I do. And as I did all these things, I actually physically could feel the weight of her negative emotions and anxieties shift and release. Not because her face changed (it was still hidden, since I was hugging her), not because did she did anything to physically show that she felt better. I felt it inside of myself, as if they were my own feelings dissolving. I felt those years of me being convinced I was ugly, and alone, leave my body as I kept hugging that little girl. And as I pulled back, I finally saw her face, and the little girl was me.
Kind of makes sense that I woke up today a new person. I have no idea if the piece I wrote last night triggered a dream like this, but it's like I've been waiting years for it, and it finally arrived.
I've spent all day feeling warm and smiley all over. I feel like I've finally undone and helped heal years and years of pent-up sadness and loneliness. I'm now totally sure the lifetime I've spent being so un-accepting of my childhood-self played a major part in my endless series of failed relationships. I'm sure it's the very root of why even the thought of monogamy gives me anxiety like you wouldn't believe. And why, when my relationships evolve past the surface stage, I have a tendency to fall apart and crumble into my own insecurities.
I couldn't accept myself. So I was constantly, and subconsciously, plagued over the idea of letting anyone else in. In my mind mind, all that could lead to was them rejecting me as much as I had rejected myself.
Now I know why relationships terrified me so much, why I kept guys at arm's length, why I would never let any guy in further than my own vagina. I used to think it was because it was easier, less messy, and prevented me from getting hurt. That may all be true, but it was only the tip of the iceberg.
By giving myself space, and time away from men, I've been able to focus and delve deeper and really figure things out. This dream that I had last night...I am still tearing up a little, all these hours later. All these break-throughs in the past week has led me here, and its a life-changing moment. I literally felt myself hug myself, embrace the child-me, and transfer all the love I never had, or if I even could if I did. In this dream, I physically and emotionally felt me, and me, connect. It was overwhelming, and I woke up a different woman. I've been walking around all day today an evolved version of my former self. It's like my vision has cleared. I don't fear men now. I'm not scared anymore. I'm now standing in front of that little girl, protecting her and loving her and shielding her from bullshit and danger. I used to keep a different kind of wall up- the kind that didn't let anyone in. I used to parade around, wearing my sexual, humorous mask. Those things may be part of me, yes, but I didn't think anyone could ever like or love anything beyond it, so it was all I would ever show to the world.
Now I have a guard up in the sense that I've fully acknowledged and accepted everything that I was, and everything that I am. That in itself creates a wall that no man can penetrate. Now if someone were to truly see me, not like me, I honestly will not care. I've got myself, and I am loving it.
AH. Amazing. That's exactly what that dream was telling you girl. But you don't need any dream interpreter (points at self...no seriously, I'm a champion at interpreting dreams) to tell you that! I'm excited for this new leaf you've turned over so quickly and to see how much more strong you will be tomorrow.
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