DAY TWO: It's...Well, It's Day Two

I'd say today went as typical as a Thursday might: treadmill for an hour, shower, get dressed, pack my work bag, bike to work, work, bike home. In terms of my decision to be free-of-men, and everything about them, I had a lot to think about during my workout, shower, cold bike rides, and lulls at work.

I started realizing how much of my energies and how much my actions are driven by men. And if not driven by them, definitely revolve around them.

I work out and like to look good so I don't cry in disgust when I see my reflection, sure. But really...I like to keep it tight for when I get seen naked. I like when a guy comments in admiration on my body. I constantly review my physique so I know how I look in every position, in every light, so I can know my strengths and weaknesses. I don't know if this is narcissistic behavior, or stemming from my insecurities and need to achieve what I deem perfection (or close-enough-to). But in all honesty, I'm definitely not doing it for only myself. So we can, at least 50%, chalk my faith to fitness to men. Even just yesterday, coming home from my abomination of a "date", I kept my heels on for the whole walk to the train, and ride home, because damn they made my legs look fiiiine. And sure, it's a nice feeling to know I like how I look, but again, so much of that revolves around enjoying the stares and attention it also gets me from the dudes.

I could go on and on with other examples like this: needing my hair to look as perfect as I can make it, even during my bikes rides. Because drivers and passerby will see me (and of course they're looking at me, right? Where's Liz Lemon, I need an eye roll.) Needing my make-up to be beyond on-point during my work shift, and taking at least two bathrooms breaks to reapply/touch-up over the 8-10 hours I'm there. Making sure I'm wearing something enticing, in some way, because I don't want to be ignored or looked-over when customers walk in the door. And so on.

Sure, this could simply be manifestations of my perfectionism, my insanely high standards and harsh criticisms that I place upon myself (however unnecessary as they may be.) I did briefly see a counselor in college about an eating disorder, and while we barely touched on that subject specifically, I did realize that I get these visions in my head of where I should be at and constantly ride myself relentlessly to reach them.

So maybe this, this "look" thing, isn't about guys, per se. Maybe this is wayyy more my own issue and guys are just a tiny part of the picture. But really, after paying attention and really focusing today on how much my actions happen because of guys, I felt disappointed in and almost ashamed of myself. I say all the time how I'm this chill, dude-like girl that is above all "that" bullshit. For instance, I don't have sex for validation or acceptance; I do the do because I enjoy it. I can take guys or leave them, and I often take them because it's fun and I know what I want. And then leave them because I'm over it. True, I am not alone in describing myself this way. Pretty much anyone I know will say the same about me. But it made me think: IS this really me? Or is it just another defense mechanism, a guard, a wall I have up to stop people from seeing my weaknesses, my vulnerabilities? I don't like being weak, and I sure as fuck hate feeling vulnerable, so I wouldn't be surprised if I had built myself this funny, awesome mask to stop people from seeing in.

But no, I don't think that's what's up. I think all of these things are really, and completely, me. Yes, I am still the cool, hilarious, cock-loving woman...but I'm also the self-abusive, hyper-self-critical, sometimes fragile, girl.

Bigger question: do I use sex and men to escape that weaker side of myself, to bypass my flaws, and instead dive into a realm where I feel and know I excel and thrive? It's possible. But today, consciously tuning in to my mental processes and seeing how I act and why I'm acting that way, what's motivating me, I now know what I need to change. I have to stop being so influenced by men, by their attentions, by the possibility of them being into me and finding me attractive (and getting angry, hurt, and hating/blaming myself when they aren't.) I need to stop basing all my actions and decisions and clothing choices on men. It's clear I get some sort of fulfillment out of guy's appreciation, but it's looking like I'm gonna need to get that fulfillment elsewhere. Like, I don't know...myself. And tonight at work was a great place to start. It's a sports bar, so the guys are always on endless tap; particularly, guys I'd be interested in. It was kinda nice, to start chipping away at this marble-block of a mission.

For starters, I donned a beanie at work instead of spending 10 minutes trying to fix my hair into perfection after biking the 15 miles in. I wore my boots that may look like Napoleon Dynamite's, instead of my heels, because fuck looking sexier. It was too freezing out for that shit, and I wanted my feet to stay warm, damn it. I fixed my make-up only once, because yeah it looked okay during the whole shift, but mainly because I felt okay! I had a day where I took care of myself, ate well, and wound up smiling - because I was happy. It was extremely liberating, to do all those things for me, and not give a crap if the cute guys at the table next to my hostess stand were looking at me or not (they totally were, and I mentally acknowledged for a second, but that was it.)

Don't get me wrong, this whole "100 days without" thing does NOT mean I'm depressed, giving up on love and life, throwing in every towel, hate men, am going to get fat, am going to stop bathing, am going to start using copious amounts of drugs to escape. No. None of that. But for the first time, seriously, the FIRST TIME in my life I will be doing what I do, for me. Not to say I don't at all, but there's always, always been that subconscious motivator that is the men-folk that really drives my actions and habits.

Today was the first time I felt what it's like to drop that hang-up and just hang out with me. It was fucking great, and I can't tell you how excited I am to keep this going. Yes, it's only day 2, and that may be premature but as of right now, it feels like the exact path I want to be on.