Holy moly. I'm about to go on a bit of a rant right now, and call out sooooo many people. But you brought it upon yourselves, so listen up:
Dear gentlemen, exes, male coworkers, former lovers, future hopefuls, ex-datees, past hookups, and male readers,
You all need to knock it off, and knock it off now. I don't know what exactly makes you all think that what I need, based on this endeavor, is your dick in my face, or your cum on my...any bodily surface. It was entertaining when it started yesterday afternoon, but it hasn't let up for a minute. In fact, it's only gotten more steadily persistent. How did me swearing off all of you open the floodgates?! Only a month ago, I was practically fighting for it. Now that I don't want it, it's like you're all on a fucking mission (literally!) Whether you were already in my life, or you're coming out of the woodwork, you're suddenly all up in my space. Maybe I should be thankful you're paying attention to me, because really, who am I? I'm not some Victoria's Secret model beauty, I'm not even a poor man's version. I'm not super rich, my boobs aren't big, and I'm nearing the end of my 20's. In this city, maybe my cup should be running over with gratitude that any of you are hollering in my general direction. And maybe a very, very small part of me is diggin' the flood of interest. But, no. Screw that. I am not looking to get laid. I am not looking for compliments. I am not doing this for a handout. I am not doing this to add more notches to my bedpost. I am not looking to have my ass kissed, in any way, shape, or form. As confusing as this may be, since the very title of this blog refers to your man-parts, this is not about you. As I tried to explain to the guy hitting on me at work tonight, this is about me and my journey of self-discovery and self-improvement. You were merely the catalyst to help me realize that something needs to change, and cutting you out was necessary to make that happen.
It's one thing to have some doubt that I'll make it to day 100. Even I have no idea what's going to happen. I know my history, I know how much I am turned on by men. But I'm determined to stick it out as long as I can. I'm realizing it will be easier than it sounds, because this isn't really about sex and just sex. This isn't me denying myself of something that is all I want and all I can think about. I'm not starving myself, I've simply turned off that switch, for now. But to the many guys telling me that this pursuit is ridiculous, that are sending me sex texts and dick pics, propositioning me with threesomes, promising me all kinds of happy endings, trying to romance me into submission: stop it. I don't appreciate you trying to confuse me and get me to buckle at the knees, to fold my hand and succumb to your dick-n-balls. I mean, a) in some cases, I am very, very tempted, b) you know I love dick, so don't use it against me, and c) I'm not hinting that I want to be "saved". I'm not hoping you'll play either sexual deviant of my dreams, nor the dashing hero that swoops in and sweeps me off my feet. Despite what you think, you're not what I've been missing my whole life.
I'll admit that I had a couple of weak moments tonight, owing to a specific person who I am undeniably incredibly attracted to. I may not know what I want yet, nor what I'm looking for in the grand scheme of things. But I do know that this person cannot truly give it to me. I mean, boy can give it to me (wink), plus he's fun, talented, and we have a great time together. But he's not in a place where he can offer me anything substantial. Nothing we'll share will help either of us grow or be better people. So now when I look at him, I get sad. I wish that things were different. But I just got my heart smashed to pieces by a different guy, who said basically the same thing before we started dating: he doesn't want a relationship, at all, with anyone. I dove in anyway, because we clicked so well, and despite his commitment phobia. This ex was also an incredible person that I felt was worth whatever pain came from it. I completely gave my entire self to him and to what we had. And I wound up getting figuratively shit on in every way possible. So what was the point of repeating that, with a different guy who was just as incredible but had the same issues?
The point of all this is, you boys are being so silly. When I'm willing to give you all of me, when you actually make me consider being monogamous, and when you KNOW it could work, you pass up the chance. And now, when I'm closed for the season, you're all banging at that locked door and peering in the windows. No apologies are expected for your ridiculous behavior the past two days, or otherwise. But whether you believe in me or not, I plan on seeing this to the end.
I still love you though. (Relax, jeez, it's just a word.)
Elena
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