Well, it happened. I fell asleep tonight around 8pm, and went on to have a fantastically realistic and vivid sex dream. The physical part was being initiated from behind by a fairly overweight, pretty ogre-ish looking man: think the physique of Young Frankenstein's monster, but not green or undead. Suffice to say, I was not down with his intentions. But my attempts to say no were half-hearted at best, especially after he first slid it in. And within 10 seconds, I was totally into it and so was he (literally.) After a bit, which (sigh) included a Round Two, I woke up, having been completely satisfied by whoever this unlikely dream-fucker was. And while I hadn't burst into song a la Madeleine Kahn, I was left with a few thoughts. One, that this is sure to be the first of many, many sex dreams I'll be having, if I'm only on day 6. I suppose this is a plus of sorts, because sex dreams are cool, apparently even with guys who look like an over-the-hill, paunch-bellied R&B singer. And if nothing else, it gives me even more reason to go to sleep early now. Two, I probably shouldn't have watched Orange Is The New Black while packing tonight, because clearly the erotic themes and images of the show crept into my brain. Three, I'm amazed that not only did I have a realistic sex dream about a man, but that a man brought me to orgasm. This is not me shitting on men here; some of you do know how to get the job done, orgasmically speaking. No, this dream was so remarkable because generally, my sex dreams are about women (what with the OTNB viewing, you'd think if I ever had a sexually-charged dream about ladies, it'd be this time.) True, I have had sex dreams about men before, but it's pretty rare, and even rarer that they get me off. The sex dreams where I come have happened only with women. It's always been so funny to me because immediately upon waking up, I'll lay there, think back on the dream...and not be turned on at all. I'll think, huh, okay, that was fine and all. But if that were to go down right here and now, in the real and conscious world, I wouldn't be aroused. The idea of having my face in a vagina or scissor-kissing for dear life doesn't light up my lady parts. I did have an experience with a woman before, and while the novelty of it was exciting and awesome as hell, it didn't ignite me with the same fi-yah as being with men does.
I assume the idea of women is intriguing because they are so beautiful. Visually, women are stimulating whether you're gay, straight, or whatever. So while I don't describe myself as bi or bi-curious or slap any kind of title on it, I do know the few times it's happened or been offered in real life, I went with it. I used to attribute that behavior to me being such a sexually-driven person that sex of any kind, with any gender, would make me game. And maybe part of that is true. But now I wonder if I'm drawn to the idea of women because I view them from a purer place, emotionally speaking. Unlike men. I've used guys for so long because I like them, it was easy, and because I could, that now it's almost impossible to associate them with a positive energy. As much fun as I've had with all the peen I've had, there was a wall, a guard up, the whole time. I got away with that lifestyle for years because I was so happy with it, and was sure it was what I wanted. But now thinking of men just leaves me feeling tired and sad. Men have become a little tainted to me, what with me fueling a messed-up, unhealthy relationship with them for so long. It doesn't surprise me that my sex dreams would be about chicks. Thinking of women doesn't evoke pain, fear of rejection, or years of misplaced feelings. I have practically no experience with women, so it's impossible to equate them with anything negative.
I was never bothered by my sapphic-saturated sex dreams. Never thought I was gay, and I wasn't embarrassed by them. I would sometimes wonder why, why women, if in real life men are what gets me goin'? Why would my dreams be the exact opposite? Men barely ever showed up in my sex dreams, and no one would make me dream-orgasm as intensely or consistently as women (okay, until tonight. That fat, faceless man has me STILL wanting more. 94 days to go, yay...) I used to just chalk up this whole dream-thing to my crazy hormones, and leave it at that. But part of this whole experience is figuring out myself, and my sexuality is part of me. I'm not going to keep letting my sex drive take the fall for things, so I figured finding an answer to a particular thing that's been going on for so long can't hurt. For now, my theories are fuzzy and hazy at best, but at least I have another three months to figure it all out.
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