Between work, the holidays, and moving to my new place, it's been a busy week since my last post. It has given me a lot of time to think and (quasi-) decide not just what this project really is, but what it realistically can be. Ever since I broke the original 100 days, I had to take a step back and figure out why I did, what that means for this second attempt, and reassess what this project is. What it comes down to, with a life-changing, transformative undertaking like this, is that there can be no "rules". Instead, I decided that the best course of action would be to give myself a list of abstract guidelines. These helped me to understand, and will continue to help me understand:
- my real motivators
- why there can't be set-in-stone rules, and
- what the feasible goals are. For now, anyway.
1) GET THOSE SEXY WIENERS OUT OF MY FACE. YES, STILL.
And away from my general vicinity, thank you. This has not changed. There's still no sex in my near future, all you hot studs be damned. I'm trying to keep my head and eyes clear because I'm seeing myself for the first time, separate and outside of the influence of men. I love y'all, but I can't do both you and me at the same time... not yet. Until I feel completely secure and solid on my emotional feet, and able to uphold that security within male company, there will be no boudoir activities of any kind. THIS INCLUDES ORAL. Oral sex...is still sex! Technically I suppose it's foreplay, but come on now. My dear, dear boys. I can't understand how so many of you think that's a "pass" in this project. You were all around when Clinton was on trial, PLEASE don't make me whip out extremely dated jokes. Monica has moved on, as should we all.
And while sex may not be directly tied into emotions for the male gender, I've realized...they are for me. I hate, HATE admitting those words and knowing it's true. But I was stupid. I mistook "emotions" for "love". I assumed because I could have great sex without being in love, that meant I was above all that girly "feelings" nonsense. But since this project began, I've learned some shit about myself. How I used sex and men in the wrong way, to fill different kinds of voids. And that still links sex to my emotions, even though I didn't realize it then. I do feel a little weak, a little disappointed in me, for admitting that- here, and to myself. I want to be that bad bitch that can love and leave and compartmentalize like a motherfucker. In the past, I was convinced that was sooo me. But I was just masking other issues, and blinding myself to how I truly felt at the time. Maybe it was another way to prevent falling for someone, or getting hurt, or leaving myself vulnerable. Which is probably why I feel very exposed admitting this particular truth about myself now. Ughhh. I am really feeling uncomfortable being fully honest about this! What the hell?! I don't know if I'm ready to admit that I can't fully separate my (gasp!) feelings when it comes to sex. And this right here, this reluctance to be honest about something that makes me who I am, pretty much illustrates exactly why I'm not ready for dick yet. So reel your junk in, gents.
2) It's okay to have crushes (again)
At the kick off of this ordeal, I was so set on, and excited about, the idea of "No men?! Whaaat! HOORAY!" that up until a week ago, this particular "rule" wouldn't have existed. Not even in a fetal stage. It would've been like, "Boys? Are you kidding me? Hahahaha! PASS." I wanted less than nothing to do with them, and that included investing the slightest of mental energies. I was also so caught up on the high of newly-found self-love and my heightened self-awareness, that I kinda...forgot about men. But I didn't realize that as I'd grow and change, I'd start to feel comfortable slowly adding them back into my life. I don't mean in a sex way (yet.) I mean in a getting to know them, outside of sex, way. As long as I can hold onto my sense of self and feel secure, for now I'm okay with letting myself like someone, and even hanging out. I'll be a new version of me though, so all my former habits and ways of connecting with people, particularly with men, will be different. It's started to become about consciously maintaining who I'm discovering I am, now, while getting to know someone new. When I no longer have to mentally focus on making that happen, when I'm at ease and myself without having to think about it, maybe then I'll be ready to add sex back into it. That doesn't put sexual attraction out of the equation,but now I'm understanding why evolved people don't have sex right away, or don't need to. I feel full and happy within me, from me, and I'm finally in tune with, and in control of, my power and my worth. When you gain those abilities and become really aware of them, the cravings for sex, and men in general, disappears. You no longer feel an urge to use it/them to fill an emotional void. True, I am starting to crave sex again. I'm finding myself wanting men back in my life (very, very little... but still.) Only now, I feel it's for the right reasons. When the day comes that I know I'm ready, I'll be approaching sex in the right way. No longer hitching my ride to any post that crosses my path, just because it's there.
3) I may not be having sex. But I'm still a sexual person
This may sound a little crazy, but here it is. Part of me was afraid to admit I could happily do without. I was terrified that by really following through for 100 days, it would mean I wasn't the sexual person I always identified myself as. And despite my burnout, despite learning that my sex drive also stemmed from personal issues, I love my sexual side. I love that I'm a free spirit and wild, and I love that I thoroughly enjoy a good cock. I was so scared that if I was honest with myself the way an endeavor like this forces you to be, I'd discover I wasn't sexual at all. That I didn't need it. That it had all been a lie. And I could cry just thinking about the possibility of that being true. But, I think a reaction like that proves to me that it is, to the core, part of who I really am. It may have gotten confused and mixed up in bullshit over the years, but it's still me. Just because I'm giving it up for 100 days doesn't mean I'm not a sexual person anymore, nor that I never was. I was scared to be honest with myself about being happy without, because I didn't want to lose a part of me I had come to love so much. But my inner Blanche lives on.
4) The rules have to be flexible
Initially, I didn't specifically define anything beyond the absolute "no sex, no dating, and above all, no dicks" guidelines, because I couldn't. I had no idea of what was going to happen, where this project would go, and how it would change me. But then after I broke it only 13 days in, a lot of people brought up the question, "Are you sure not having sex is the healthiest thing for you?" Which kind of made me laugh, but it was actually a fair point. It took messing up to realize that as I change, the project itself would have to change with me. It couldn't stay stagnant and flat-lined, while I did leaps and bounds and cartwheels on it's surface. It has to breathe, evolve, and be malleable; be free to flex as I do. So while I do plan on still sticking to the one "absolute" rule of no sex, i do understand that's not my, or strong enough, of a motivator. Which leads me to...
5) (Not) doing something because it's a "rule" is the worst motivator of all time
I'd like to think I'm determined and strong enough to hold out for any goal of 100 days, but that by itself proved to be too weak of a motivator. Because, well, rules suck. Having rules and following them because you "have to follow the rules" is the worst fucking thing ever. I have a large distaste for authority in general; and when it comes to telling me what to do, you better rethink it, because I will hate you forever. So like a diet that I don't want to do, telling myself I can't sleep with guys because that's "the rule" clearly wasn't good enough to keep me going til the 100-day mark. I had to switch up my approach. After I broke the 100 days, my appreciation of my newly-acquired self-love shot up by about a million. When that happened, I understood what I stood to gain by really sticking to staying away from men. I get to finally grow into the me I always wished I was. Now it's a one-day-at-a-time kinda thing, and I'm basing everything, all my decisions and what moves to make, on my instinct. If it feels safe and okay, like it's not going to fuck with my new-found power and self-worth, then I'm going to go with it. This whole heightened sense-of-self thing also creates a crazy and amazing euphoria. I used to feel a fraction of this feeling, and a short-lived version of it, through sex. But as powerful as sex is, I've never quite experienced anything so solidly soul-filling and electric before, from myself- and it doesn't quit. Now THAT is one hell of a reason to not only keep on, but to do so smiling.
6) Applying new self-growth and realizations to every day life and interactions is HARD but important
I know I'm keeping guys out of this endeavor, as much as I possibly can. But as I've come into myself more and more, I feel increasingly ready to be out amongst people and "practice" staying this new me. Does that make sense? I hate using the word practice, because that makes it seem unnatural and forcibly learned behavior. I'm not so much learning, as I am undoing years of bad habits and faking shit. As much as I won't be having sex, and am not ready for men, I have to take this new version of me and put it into situations that, in the past, would have made me break. It may not be easy to be a better version of you when nothing is challenging it except yourself. But it's a hell of a lot harder, and really puts it to the test, when other people come into the picture.
Take what happened on New Year's Eve, for example. I met an absolutely adorable guy. I had checked him and his friends in at the VIP entrance, and made a joke that his arm-in-a-sling was all the pick-up line he'd need with the ladies. Did I think anything was going to happen? Not even a little bit. I had no intentions of even talking to the kid beyond what's required in my job description. Sure, all the clientele that night were very attractive, of course I still notice and appreciate that shit. But since I started this project I can acknowledge without caring if I'm involved. Guys, hit on me, don't hit on me; it doesn't matter to me now. So I was surprised, to say the least, when we made out later (yeah, it was awesome.) It wouldn't have been remarkable beyond that, but I felt something I haven't in years: zero doubt. In terms of how attracted I was to him, there was no inkling of settling. No bells went off, no flags got raised in that "am I into him?" department. No signs of the "throw-up" feeling to be found. From the brief time we talked, I really liked his energy. Now, I didn't go into this 100 days to improve my game or meet men. But...there's something about this new dude that I don't want to pass up on. I want to hang out with him again, damn it! Is all this breaking "THE RULES"? My instinct is telling me it's okay to keep talking to him. And maybe I can keep it there, and get to know him in a real way that's so different from how I've always gotten to "know" men I'm into. It'll be cool, if it works out. But scary because this is so new to me. I've never not led with a sexual foot and been able to keep it completely genuine.
7) I may need a vagina mantra
For this weekend, should I hang out with this kid. I'm still working on it. Hilarious submissions are now being accepted.
8) For now isn't for always
For years I swore I could compartmentalize, separate my emotions from men and sex. Well, now I see that wasn't true at all. I could hide my emotions, ignore them, but they were there, waiting to bubble up to the surface. But now, with how much I have and will continue to grow into myself, I'll be able to actually do what I always claimed to be able to. That is, should I still want to do the casual thing once these 100 days are up. I also always claimed not to care about shit talkers and haters, but that was pretty much a lie. I could joke it off like a pro, but having people say hurtful things and judge me killed me inside. Since I've been growing into myself more and more, I find myself genuinely and wholeheartedly not caring about what people think of me. In short, I'm finally becoming the woman I thought I always was (but really wasn't at all.) So, if I can give myself all of this positive stuff, and guy can't, why reassess "the rules" at all? Clearly, for now, this whole "no men allowed" thing seems to be working out fantastically well in terms of how I'm feeling. But two words are the problem- "for now". In this moment, today, it's working. But I'm not going to be the same person I am now, tomorrow. Or the next day. Which is exciting stuff, don't get me wrong. But now I see how this project is going to work beyond myself- how the rest of the world, and me out in it, will factor into this project. A whole entire next level is about to start. Hopefully these guidelines will help me as I navigate new waters.
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