Teehee. You KNOW you just sang that post title as you read it.
Jokes aside, I am really annoyed at myself right now. I reached out a couple nights ago to my most recent ex (for valid reasons, I swear!) against all my better judgement. I'd been feeling so secure and good these past few weeks, I thought I could handle it. He's moved on, for awhile now, with a new girlfriend and all. And I've made leaps and bounds emotionally with this project. I truly had no other motives other than asking him legit botany questions [my new place has a great backyard, and he's sort of horticulturally (new word, check it) obsessed. End of story.] But, that of course turned into a conversation about how we've both been doing. Which segued into how he hurt me. And then how he's sorry. And then how I really don't like him or care about his apologies. What is the matter with me? I could've easily not turned to him as my go-to gardening resource. Why didn't I just fucking google "how to grow eggplants"? But I didn't; I talked to him and was paying the price of "get ready to feel crappy for the next several hours." OH, JOY. My favorite game.
I really thought I'd be okay, talking to him. I may not particularly ever want to see his face ever again; I think if I did I might pass out, or punch something. But other than that I felt fine with the idea of reaching out to him. Since the break, I've mostly moved on, despite not ever getting closure or answers to unresolved issues. Maybe I texted him because I subconsciously am seeking those things (fucking damn closure.) But what with time, and this project, I felt like I'd healed from him, and beyond. I've resolved personal things that were linked to how and why he was able to hurt me as much as he did. I've come to terms with the fact that he moved on so quickly after things ended between us. That he and his new girlfriend spent Christmas meeting both of their respective families. That this stupid bitch takes amazing Instagram photos. That I don't want to be with him, and that she's clearly a better match for him. So why did I feel so shitty after our very brief conversation tonight?
Instead of answering that, in a logical next move, I decided to read a whole bunch of news articles on the polar vortex. And how it means the North Pole is warming up faster than the rest of the planet, and is responsible for the recent record-shattering cold snaps. So, I thought to myself, the world is basically ending. Which threw me into this whole mental place, "What's the point of it all? Why the heck are we existing? If the world ends, then shouldn't we throw all selfish cares and ambitions to the wind, and instead invest our energies in someone we love, and sharing the rest of a beautiful life with them?" Ummm. What is the matter with me? How does it go from a simple text about gardening, of all things, to how the world will end and what really matters in our existence? It's a scary, wide-open field of a thought that I cannot begin to answer, that existence thing. All these feelings began manifesting within me, that nothing I'm doing is worth it. That maybe the only thing that'll be worth it when the apocalypse comes will be having someone I love by my side, or at least knowing I have loved and been loved in return. Who the fuck cares about my writing and singing and personal pursuits, in the grand scheme of things? And I'm talking about me, too- do I even care about these things, if I'm alone? Not because I "need" someone, but because love the greatest and most rewarding force out there? Isn't it the one thing that drives us crazier, and enhances our senses, beyond anything else?
I suppose part of this is stemming from being painfully-too-aware of how happy my ex and his new girlfriend are together, how perfectly suited, and inseparable they are. Which hurts, but only because I don't have that, and I don't know if I ever will. I never saw it, love, as something I desired; and if I did ever crave it, I didn't really know why. Part of why I'm glad I took on this 100 days thing is because I'm learning ways that will make it possible for me to be open and ready for real love (first Tina, now Mary J! YES), should I ever really want a relationship someday. With who and how I was before I started this, I doubt I would've ever been ready to be with anyone, in any real way. I still don't feel ready- I have to keep this work up in order to be.
But still, I feel afraid that maybe achieving enlightenment and coming into my truth won't be enough at the end of the day. Is it enough to achieve these things, for me, and be happy within myself? Or is true happiness, and life's true worth, only attained if I have extended that enlightenment beyond myself, and into my relationships and the world around me? I realize I have to be patient; I did set out on this journey only about three weeks ago. I know I have to get through more growth and self-realization stuff in order to fully and honestly put myself out into the world around me. But is that still enough to make me feel alive, that I have lived, if I still feel alone? Meaning, even if I come put of these 100 days a brand-new, secure, self-loving woman, will that really equate to "fulfillment"? Or will I simply be good on a personal level, and that's it? Will I feel horribly alone at the end of these 100 days, if all I get out of this is self-love, self-awareness, self, self, self...? Don't me wrong, I'm not shitting on the value of this project's work. I felt self-love for the first time in my life after 8 days in, and that bowled me over into a zone of euphoria that was amazing. But now I feel like I'm picking away at new, unbroken ground. I've never asked myself real, hard questions about love and the meaning of life. Is love really... it? THE thing?
Then again, maybe I've just seen too many shows and movies that show love as the most important force, the thing that makes life worth living above all else. Maybe that's true, but for now I have to focus on loving myself. Once I fix damaged parts of me, I'm sure I'll be ready to find out just how necessary love is to a meaningful life. And once I'm better equipped to honestly put myself out into the world, maybe I'll see just how much truth there is to all those shows and films that illustrate how no one is resistant to it's power. But until then, I'll have to be good enough for me, and take it one day at a time. I can't get caught up in worrying and doubting and letting my bad habit at tearing myself down take me over.
Maybe that's also why I reached out to my ex, now. If anyone could shake this work I've been doing, it'd be him. He's the one person who broke me, who hurt me so badly I didn't think I'd ever heal. It was a test, really, to see how well I could hold up after coming this far on my own, in my own space. I can't say I passed with flying colors, considering I immediately resorted to thinking about the world ending. But it was an important reminder for myself of why I'm doing this, and how very important it is to apply what I've been learning to life everyday. Its the only way to get stronger beyond the safety of myself. It's only natural that I'm still shaky on my feet. But I'm looking forward to the day when I'm not only steady, but able to walk into the world and not fall no matter what comes at me. How cheesy is that? SO CHEESY. But let me tell you- as someone who has never read a self help book and absolutely abhors motivational literature, I kind of get it. Once you start to really feel your strength, and experience something even slightly close in intensity to the spiritual dream I had a few weeks ago, it stops being so corny and starts being something you want more of. Sort of like how I used to answer "want a massage?" offers- with a huge eye roll, and a kill-me-now "Oh, goddd. Get out of here." But then, I got a massage (followed by a five- yes, FIVE- hour life-landmark of a sex session) and that pretty much changed the game. So, while I won't be picking up any of those "change your life today!" books, I will unapologetically be dropping terrible phrases. Well, I'll stop apologizing, but I'll always acknowledge how terrible they are. I may be growing up, but certain things won't ever change.
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