The number one question people asked me when I began this was, "Um. Why are you doing this to yourself?" But now that over a month has passed, it's, "Do you miss it?" It's an interesting question. I mean, fuck yeah I miss it! Particularly when I think about "it" with very specific people (ahem, Night Before Guy. Or how it would be with my celeb crush, the one and only Joel Kinnaman. God DAYUM. Man is FINE.) But do I miss the act itself, generally speaking? I'm still not quite sure. I've been exploring why I was so promiscuous to begin with, and realized that I had developed a bad habit of using sex to cover up things about myself. Its been making me question how much of a sexual person I really am, or if I ever really was. I reflected tonight for a bit on my history with boys, all the way back to my earliest memories of liking them. Like Adam Goldberg, my kindergarten boyfriend. He was a long-eyelashed stud, reminiscent of a young Kevin Arnold. When he moved to Long Island at the end of that year, I ended it. (I was way advanced for a 5-year old, knowing that long distance doesn't work.) I had an endless string of boyfriends after that, well at least until fourth grade when Awkward Ugly Elena happened. So yeah, I'm pretty sure I was always destined to be promiscuous, given my voracious appetite for, and interest in, men. But after taking this hiatus, I still can't tell if I really miss sex. Or, if it's more that I miss the simplicity of it, and the ease it gave me to hide from personal things I didn't want to address.
When it comes to men I'm interested in, good lord is it easy to be sexual. I've never been afraid of that part of myself; in fact, it always felt comfortable. I was never shy about letting it show. But it's easy to wear those pants and wear them proudly when you don't want to wear anything else you own. Now that I'm more comfortable in the rest of my personality wardrobe, so to speak, it's looking like this'll end up one of two ways. One, I'll realize that I'm not even remotely sexual, it was all a front, I was denying who I really am, and I will come out of this hibernation-state the least horny, non sex-driven person alive. OR! I'll accept all other parts of what makes me me, and that will only help the rest of myself rise to the same level my sexual part has been riding for years. This can only make my sex, and future relationships, much more fulfilling and satisfying, not disappear. Yeah, I'm betting on the latter too. I can't imagine myself not being sexual, but I can imagine myself being other things in addition to and equal to it.
The ease of sex-based relationships is great. But now I'm starting to understand why I (always) avoid(ed) "real" relationships. After my first serious relationship (in college) I learned what would go on to be only the tip of the iceberg: nothing makes your personal issues rise to the surface faster than having a long-term boyfriend. That particular coupling of mine was highly dysfunctional. But back then I didn't get how much of it was symptomatic of the many problems I had hidden for years. I didn't want to delve into them at the time, for a few reasons, but mostly because I didn't understand them. I didn't recognize that something was up with me, because I had never been challenged the way a boyfriend and real relationship challenges you. At the time, it was completely new territory, and I was scared. Scared because I didn't understand why I was dissolving into an anxiety-ridden, depressed mess. And scared because I had always been so sure of who I was, and that I was happy, and now I had no idea if either of those things was true at all. After that relationship ended, I haven't had a real boyfriend since. To this day, in fact. I've dated, I've "been seeing" people, but I have not had a boyfriend since 2005. That may sound like a long time. Maybe subconsciously I knew I just wasn't ready. Not ready for a relationship, and not ready to be challenged in that way again because I had barely yet dealt with my issues the way I needed to. I knew that should I pursue a relationship before resolving my shit, it would only lead to the same result: me falling apart, and not fully knowing why. I am not hoping to have a man now that I'll be "fixed", but I am hopeful that I'll able and fully equipped to deal with the challenges a relationship brings. It'll be nice to NOT have anxiety or panic attacks from someone I choose to involve myself with, who is supposed to add joy to my life.
There's another reason why I'm not entirely sure if I miss the act of sex itself. That whole touchy, tricky zone of satisfaction, and orgasm. For me, yes, they can be seen as two separate things. Being someone who has a super sensitive and very particular clit, I understand the work that goes into making me come orally. (Or in some unfortunate cases, the intense labor, for the many who don't know what the heck they're doing down there.) I also understand that a dick, via angles and other inner-vag knowledge, can accomplish magical things, if not clitoral orgasm. So I've long been a firm believer that I don't need an orgasm to consider sex a success / satisfying. But in the last year, I've realized that may have been me giving the guy a get out of a jail free card, a free pass, because I'm secretly ashamed and embarrassed that I can take upwards of 15-25 minutes to orgasm through oral. I feel like the guys who have attempted resent me super hard for not coming faster, if at all. I feel like I have to apologize for my vagina, when, in fact, so many guys are just terrible at eating me out. I don't know if it's because most girls they've been with have faked but didn't own up, and now these guys think they're masters of the poon. Like those guys who declare "I can make you come in two minutes. Every girl I've been with, I've made them come in two minutes." Okay, first of all: HAHAHAHA. And second of all: false. You must be shockingly bad that two minutes is as much as a girl is willing to put up with. Or, these chicks know, like me, within that time frame if you're going to get the job done or not. If you're not, that's when the fake happens. To get your damn, unskilled head out of our twats. Or maybe these girls don't know what a real, 30 second, full-body clitoral orgasm really is. So, sorry- unless your tongue is battery operated, if she's "come" in two minutes, I call bullshit. It's easy to see why I might not miss sex, at least certain parts of it. Oral sex is just so frustrating. I've tried to teach, explain, give directions that sound more like I'm helping you hang a painting ("a little to the left...up a little..down.. More to the right..no, my right..") UGH. It's always proved pointless. If they've been with girls who like it a certain way (sucking, biting- get the fuck outta here with that, ease off the pressure and be gentle damn it!!), it's almost like it's so far ingrained in their brain and tongue-muscle memory that I just give up. It almost makes me teary, because that's honestly what's happened 98% of the time. Out of 11 years of men, exactly FIVE DUDES have achieved that goal. Given that ratio, it's easy to understand why I'd rather get fucked to exhaustion then have a guys jaw fall off and still fail.
And don't even get me started right now on cocks, size, angling, positions, and general screwing technique. That's a whole other essay. But I will say, no matter what, sex is better when there are either (some) feelings involved, or chemistry. Each one has their merits, but both heavyweights can stand alone. It's natural that I miss sex when I think about specific guys I have either one, or both, of those components with. I still check guys out, I still fantasize, I still masturbate. Actually, I now have a much greater appreciation for sex scenes and porn and my imagination than ever before. I can't say I wasn't comfortable with that part of myself- meaning, my sexuality when I'm alone- but I never really embraced it. Not sure why. It's nice to have this time to really dig into what I like, don't like, want to try. For instance, I've never been a crazy kinkhead, I'd like to figure out if I have that in me. Or, I've always been incredibly awkward at dirty talk. I am SO BAD AT IT. It's really terrible!! When guys ask me to tell them what I want, what I like...I can't even form a goddamn sentence to answer that super basic question. I usually opt for, "Uhhh what you're doing is great, ummmm..." And then go down on them so I don't have to talk anymore. I've never attempted this yet, but I can't imagine role playing would go over much better. I'd probably "break" constantly, a la Carol Burnett. I'm sure all of these things, the discomfort and unease in being totally open and putting myself in an exposed and vulnerable place, can be attributed to my lack of self-love. I'm really hoping that I'll have much better, and more fulfilling, satisfying sexual experiences when this is over. I've always wanted to be better and even more comfortable in the bedroom; never would've guessed a break from sex would be the key to getting me there.
To sum up: I miss sex, especially after writing this piece. But, I'm more focused on evolving as a whole right now, because I know that will make sex all the better when I return. And I shall return; you wangs, be ready!! Though hopefully, I'll be making my comeback with higher standards. And a higher orgasm rate, damn it. Because, really... who am I kidding, they are GREAT. Take a class, gents. Your lady will love you for it.
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