The number of views "Day 37" received was absolutely bananas. For whatever reason, it got the most reads of any entry thus far. As always, I'm extremely grateful, and flattered, that ANYONE reads it- so, thank you. However, something that comes with an increase in readers is a correlating jump in comments, questions, and messages. And, A LOT of folks you barely know giving you their two cents. For the most part, this is also awesome. I thoroughly enjoy talking with people about the issues I'm facing, how it relates to them, to society, and about life in general. Whether or not they're going through / have gone through things similar to what I've gone through, the conversations have been interesting and thought-provoking.
But then. Ohhhh, but then there are some people who say, for lack of a better term, mind-bogglingly asinine shit. Talking about this specific exchange may piss the person off, should she read this entry, but what she said to me blew my mind- in the worst way. We are not close or anything, but we're friendly, we're co-workers. So when she mentioned she had read the Day 37 entry, I didn't know where the conversation was going to go. Again, she doesn't know me like that. Anyone who doesn't know me or my stories, how I've always been, can easily be taken aback by my writing's directness, honesty, and sexual openness. Which is fair! If I've never revealed my sexual "I'd rather be banging" side to you as a friend, in person, you'd probably never guess. So anyway, she started inquiring about who this "Night After Guy" is, since all three of us work at the same spot. I refused to name him, not because I care about MY privacy, but I'm respectful of his. I felt so put-on-the-spot and awkward though, that I couldn't even think of how to word that very simple explanation. Since I must have appeared vulnerable through all my stammering and "ummmm"'s, she kept pressing me for his name. And I kept saying no. Then the convo took a turn:
Her: Oh come on. You write about it, you put it out there. Why can't you just say who it is?
(She gave me a look at this point, a sort of condescending eye-over. It made me feel exposed and judged. What, she reads one post and that's earned her the right to give me a rude look like that? I mentioned the word "vagina" in it once, threw in a couple of sentences about fucking, and that's it, she knows my life now? The way she was looking at me was making me even more awkward. Oyy.)
Her: So come on! Why cant you just tell me his name?
Me: (awkwardly) Ummmmm. Because, uhhhh...
Her: Come on, who is it? Is it coat check guy? He's cute. I bet it's him. He looks good. Right? Really nice eyes.
Me: I dunno, maybe, maybe not. I'm not saying anything.
Her: Seriously? You put it all out there already. You write about it. You talk about your vagina but you can't say a name?
Me: Yeah I dunno, I just don't want to say it. It's not my place.
Her: Okay, well is he black or white?
Me: Ummmm.
(I also didn't want to answer this; I felt even giving that up would give it away.)
Her: You can't even say that?
Me: Oh my god. Okay. I am not going to say who. But...I will say this. Sexually speaking, I've never really been into black dudes. I've always been attracted to white guys.
Her: (Furrows her brow. She looked both confused and like she thought I was crazy) I don't get it. Why aren't you into black guys? If you're such a sexual person like you claim to be, wouldn't you be all about black guys?
Me: (awkward-er) UHHHHHH...well...
(There were black guys around so I felt very uncomfortable explaining further. HA! Suuuuch a typical white person.)
Me: I mean, I dunno, I'm just not. It's something about their vibe when they've hit on me that's unappealing. I like goofy, funny guys that have a sexy side. To me, black guys seem a little too "Ohhh yeahhh, mmm, you like that right" in bed. That's just not me.
Her: But so what? If you're sexual why would that matter? Wouldn't you just want to sleep with them anyway?
And that's when I had to step away. Because WHAT. First of all. I like what I like. I shouldn't have to explain or justify it to ANYONE. Second of all, this was a straight girl I was talking to, yet it felt like I was being backed into the proverbial corner by a misogynist. Umm, since when does being a sexual person mean I'm going to sleep with any guy, ever? Or sleep with [a certain race] just because their penises have a "huge" rep, (wink wink)? I mean really. Girrrrrl. Okay, yeah, I love dick. And? So? That doesn't mean I'm just gonna hop on any one, just because it's there, just because it may be big and feel good! I may not have always had the best standards, since I tend to pick the wrong men for me. But I don't sleep with people for the sake of sleeping with people. A guy can be hot, and sexy, but that does not mean he'll appeal to me, or that I'm going to want to have sex with him. He could be unattractive and silly and I might want to. If there's undeniable (physical or otherwise) chemistry, that's when, and why, I'll sleep with him. He could have a 1" penis (had that), or a 9" penis (had that too, and ouuuuch.) He could be Asian, white, whatever. I base stuff on instinct and chemistry. It just happens that guys I've hit it off with, and am almost always attracted to, are white guys. And so what? Guys have their things too. Some are into boobs, some are into butts. Some are into white girls (black guys, ironically.) Some are into Asian girls (I'm looking at you, nerdy white boys), and some are into redheads. Whatever man! Like what you like; you don't need to explain shit to anyone.
I was pretty pissed that this girl (and plenty of other people I've met in my life who have read my work) thought "being sexual" equals "she will fuck anything, just to fuck it." I've had to deal with grown men who nearly raped me (not joking, unfortunately), because they know I'm sexual, so that means I must be into it. Yeah, that makes total sense buddy. I love sex, so clearly I want nothing more than your gross tongue all up in my mouth. Or for you to barge in on me in a room to try and put it in my butt. Well for the record, no, it doesn't work like that. To me, being sexually liberated means you know who you are, what you want, you own it, you don't apologize for it, and you live it. You don't do things because you think that's what you should do, or what will please others. You do YOU, to whatever sexual degree that may be. Prude? Cool. Horny as fuck? Go get yours, boo. Babies? Have 'em. Wanna be single forever and Cialis your way to the grave? Well all right, man. It's your goddamn life. Sexual does not mean you're a whore, a slut, a whatever double-standard derogatory word you want to insert here.
I hate to even mention the term, since "double-standards" is such a beaten issue. I don't really want to delve into it, because I don't think it will ever change. Yeah, and that sucks. Yeah, it drives me crazy. Yeah, it's been a major issue in many of my relationships. But, these double-standards still exist, and there's a reason. I think there are some primal components to our makeup that set men and women apart. Not higher or lower, better or worse- just different. And so certain "rules" and expectations that have evolved over time, within society, are directly linked to what our primal roles and urges are. So yes, when women "bend the norm", they're a slut, etc, while guys are ladykillers, studs, and so on. Women try to find ways around this. They hide it, don't talk about it. Or the opposite end of the spectrum: I've seen, met, and read the work of women who are "liberated" and sexual. I feel like mostly...they come off as bitches. Their writing is so condescending, and they speak so highly of themselves, it incites a rage within me akin to slow internet. These ladies may think it shows strength and "bad bitchery" to a man's eyes, but I think it's cold and detached, plus it abandons other females. That approach is not what's going to change double-standards. Because that's something you're doing as a guard, something you're faking, to appear a certain way. I'm sure it's natural to resort to that disconnected, cold facade, and think it'll get you respect. But it'll just make you seem like you're a bitch. You're trying too hard. That doesn't merit respect, sorry. But! While I don't think societal double-standards will ever FULLY disappear, I do think it's possible for there to be an understanding between the genders. Funnily enough, it's the opposite of the "bitch" route. It has to come from inside of us, on an individual level. The more women and men accept themselves, know themselves, the more those standards will sort of...soften. Because when we know ourselves, it becomes easier, more logical, and allows us to really understand and accept others. For me, the past month-ish has not only given me greater insight into myself, but into people in general. I think the more people become aware of themselves, who they are, what makes themselves tick, the more that will help them be able to do the same in regards to others. I don't know if everyone has the capacity or rather, the willingness, to do so. But it's my hope that we do.
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