DAY 100: It's A Wrap

So, Day 100. We meet at last.

I've thought every now and again about that seemingly ever-distant "LAST ENTRY". I used to be sure about what I'd write, and was looking forward to doing so. I used to want Day 100 to finally arrive not for sex, but so I could write this brilliant idea down. But, that was on like, day 60-something, so I was getting ahead of myself a bit. Day 100 felt like it would never arrive. But here it is, and here is what I used to want to say:

"When I think about this experience being over, I see myself in my minds eye, packing one last suitcase. All my other luggage would be waiting by the door. I envision a room awash with yellow late-afternoon sunlight, and me standing by a stripped bed, looking around and ready to go. Not sad, not happy, not anxious. Simply in a state of reflection, looking back on this metaphorical living space that I had occupied for the past 100-odd days. I had filled that room up with my belongings and possessions, plastered the walls with pictures. I took over that empty room, filling it with my identity, my life, my tears, and my thoughts."

But now, the last day is actually here. I no longer envision that closed-off room. Because during the last 40 days of the project, I no longer felt disconnected or like I was shutting myself off to figure shit out. I started to open up to the world again, but as a changed/still changing person. I started to let people in, and share my new self with them when they visited. That "room" became a distant and hazy vision, something I associated with long ago me, not the current me.

Slowly opening myself back up to world while still in the trenches played it's own huge part in further breakthroughs and growth I experienced. I may have made strides completely alone, earlier on in the project. But once I realized that life isn't lived that way, especially after breaking on Day 13, I modified the parameters a bit. I started to form connections with men again. But, I was still not focusing solely on them, or "where it would/could go". And I certainly was not focusing on sex, or the idea of sex happening later that night. So I was still doing the work I needed to do, without the crutch of sex, while applying my changes and revelations to my life in a much more realistic way.

So men, if I haven't done it yet: I have to thank you. No matter how shitty you are/were, or how amazing, I owe a huge thanks to you all. Night Before Guy, The Night of Guy, New Year's Eve Guy, Johnny, Portland, Dany The Drug Dealer, Billyburg Bartender. Every single one of you played a part in this journey. Yes, I may have ultimately made the decision to take it. I may have been the one who decided to continue, starting again from zero, after infamous Day 13. But really, without you men, I wouldn't have continued to dig and question and push myself as much as I wound up doing. Men, you are frustrating, stupid, funny, assholes, douchebags, hilarious, shady, infuriating, and sexy as hell. And, I love ya. Without you, my life would not be nearly as fun, interesting, painful, hot, or entertaining. I may have grown in ways that will have me exit this 100 days more of a whole, happy person than I've ever been. But without you to sprinkle on top, my life would always be left with something to be desired. Because as much as men and women battle it out to co-exist, we will never be complete without that struggle. As much as it may cause bad vibes, there's just something about even those shittiest of feelings that provides a sense of completeness to life.

So, it's over then. 100 days, anyway (okay, 118 if you want to be technical about it.) But truly, it isn't over. I don't think it will ever be. You see, it's become a part of me. I mean DUH, I'm not going to be celibate from here on out. Hello, my name is Elena and I love dick. I've missed men in that way. But at the same time, this experience has changed me so much. It's put me through growth that doesn't get shaken off or forgotten, but rather cleaned off and put my pieces back together. It's ingrained in my soul now. So it's not so much "over", as it's time to pack up and move on to the next journey. Ha, maybe that room metaphor still applies after all. Only now I picture more a campsite on a mountainous hike, not a closed-off room. I smell the air and feel the height, and it's glorious.

Oh, and for fun, I typed this list up. I was originally planning to make it the 99th post, but then I had to go and have a revelation sooo I'll just stick it in here (that's what he said.) In case you were wondering, here is a list of other things that happen in 100 days. Because it's all relative.

And yes, I literally calculated this shit:

0 condoms
1 move
1 new house
85 (give or take) orgasms
1 four-pack of AA batteries (I'm shocked this number isn't higher)
2 developing vocal projects
200 new Instagram followers
3 periods
2 cracked iPhone screens
7 cigarettes (terrible)
1 New Year's Eve
4 Netflix renewals (fascinating list addition)
1 vacation in Puerto Rico
1 (fifteen-second) relapse
6 guys worthy of writing about
--3 awesome make-out sessions
--2 okay make-out sessions
--and 1 TERRIBLE one
400 worked hours
100 dick pics (okay maybe closer to 20 BUT STILL)
35 sex propositions
11 threesome invites
1 stalker blocked
28 blog posts
9,500 blog views
4 hair trims
1 horrible sunburn
2,000 biked miles
350 ran miles
40 Jameson's on the rocks
7,512 feet of snow
52,645 new potholes to now swerve around on my bike commute
5 tubes of chapstick
1 new debit card
And most importantly:

1 brand spankin' new me. BRING IT, LIFE.